An Open (Thank you) Letter To My Neighbor

October 2006
Minnesota

Dear Mrs. Neighbor,

I just wanted to thank you for making a special trip over to my house
these last few Halloweens to deliver little bags of candy for my kids
since you won’t be home during trick-or-treating time. It’s a nice gesture,
but the kids really get plenty of candy that they don’t eat anyway.
Let’s face it, it ends up on my butt.

Since I’m thanking you, I’d like to thank you for coming to our wedding
and reception a little more than 6 years ago. I’d especially like to thank
you because when we came to your table for the obligatory small-talk
and such, instead of saying “Congratulations” like the rest of the normal
people we invited, you commented rather loudly “So, when’s the next
big party?” I’m sorry that we have more fun than you. But we never had
any big parties. That was just Craig and I making whatever racket you
perceived to be a party. Or, it could have been Craig, me, my parents,
my brother and my sister-in-law. We’re a pretty raucous bunch.

Craig wants me to thank you for burning your stinky-ass garbage in the
burning barrel conveniently located in your front yard. We love how,
during the summer months when we have the window open, the stench
invades our living room and forces us to close the window. Who wants
to enjoy the nice fresh air on a summer night anyway, right?

Thanks for not cleaning up the leaves in your yard. I really appreciate
your tactic of leaving them there until your neighbors get sick of looking
at them and get sick of cleaning your leaves out of their yards so they
clean them up for you. Maybe if you just asked someone to do it for you
next year it wouldn’t take them so long since they could do it as the
leaves fall.

Thanks for mowing part of our yard every time you mow.

Incidentally, so sorry that your snow goose died last year. It’s a real
shame that they don’t have a greater life-expectancy. I loved hearing
that thing honking all day long. They’re such quiet creatures, I’m sorry
I missed out when you had TWO of them.

Since we’re on the subject of your pets…WHY exactly do you let the cat
out if you’re going to have to scream “Kiiiittttteeeeeee!” in order to get
the thing to come back? Is this really the best approach? Because the
sound of you screaming that word makes me want to run far, far, away.
Maybe Kiiiiitttttteeeee has had the same thought.

Your neighbor,
Heather

Heather is Mom to 2 children, M who is 4, and K who is 2. She really is
not that passive-aggressive in real life and her neighbor is a great neighbor
in the most important way, she’s generally quiet (when not yelling for the cat)
and leaves her alone! Heather has plenty of random thoughts and feels
compelled to share them with strangers. Her daughter is amazed at the
size of her Cool Zebras. Don’t forget to visit your friend Kate there, keeping
my place warm today.

This post is part of the November Blog Exchange. This month we're all writing
open letters. These are letters written to people or entities from whom you
don’t expect to receive a response. You can find me at Heather's site today,
and the full list of participants can be found by clicking here.