How do I write this and sound coherent?
As mentioned above, I'm struggling to get into words what is going on right now in my life. I'm not adept at writing about emotions so fluently as so many talented writers out there. When I was a teenager, I had a diary and most of the entries were like, "Dear Diary, Life sucks right now," without further elaboration. While I find writing to be cathartic, it doesn't come natural.
Right now it's 11:58 pm and I'm just at a point where I know I have to post about it because I have to get it off my chest. I've hesitated blogging about it because I struggle with getting all of the shit running around my brain into words (as mentioned above). I realize now that my defense mechanisms were working overtime. I'm ready to unveil the secrecy because I thought this was going to be one of those passing phases in life that will leave its perch. But it's not leaving. And we don't know what this pest wants. And what is further disturbing in its coincidence, is my husband is 49 years old. And so was my father when I found him dead 21 years ago. Coincidence smacks me in the face with a cold, familiar rag.
At 9:30 pm 9/26, I called 911 for my husband who could not catch a full breath; arms tingling, head dizzy, ready to pass out. After many tests he is released the next early morning; he's on Nexium for GERD, Advair for Asthma, and Amoxicillan for possible infection.
Week following: mini episodes of struggling to breathe. Symptoms not going away. Double duty at home and juggling day job since his health is so unpredictable.
Friday, 10/3, 12:30 pm: For me---panic attack at work. Shaking, nauseous, heart racing. Almost threw up lunch.
Saturday, 10/4: Regardless of the previous week, a succesful 7th birthday party for my son at Chuck E Cheese, although my husband hardly moved from his seat the whole 90 mins.
Last night: second call to 911. Same symptoms as first 911 call.
Today: stress test inconclusive; tomorrow a catheterization. A long day at the hospital at his side.
Tomorrow: we hope for certainty. Mom pulling into driveway from NJ to help.
Right now: sipping wine to calm my nerves and to help me sleep, along with meditation music.